


The Megido Affair

by Tarradiddlet



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Noir, Humor, Light-Hearted, Multi, Non-Graphic Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-15
Updated: 2015-02-15
Packaged: 2018-03-13 01:45:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3363185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tarradiddlet/pseuds/Tarradiddlet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>1 KN3W SH3 W4S TROUBL3 WH3N SH3 W4LK3D 1N >:)</p><p> Terezi and Aradiabot's noir adventures!!</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Megido Affair

It was a dark night in Rainbow Rumpus Party Town, and it was only going to get darker. That’s okay. I can deal with the dark. I’m blind, remember?

Name’s Pyrope. Terezi Pyrope. Folks call me Redglare on account of one look from my peepers and perps start glubbing faster than Gl'bgolyb with the munchies. Folks also call me when they’re in the kind of trouble they don’t want spread around. Blackmail, infidelity, kismessitude-gone-wrong...I’ve seen my full share. Life is tough in hard-knock alley, and folks make it tougher.

Which is why I wasn’t surprised that September morning when a leggy broad articulated her way into my office, silver as a ball bearing and sounding like all the secrets of the blind prophets got handed to her on the train and she had to spread the good word. “You’ve got to help me. Vriska Serket’s after me and--” She paused long enough for me to take a good drag at the old cancer stick. Crayola. More chemicals in it than a clown cultist’s favorite brew, but addiction is a powerful thing.

“Terezi? Is that you?”

I slid to the other side of the desk, slipping the chalk inside my sylladex. “Well, well, well, if it isn’t Aradia Megido! Dig the chassis.” 

When she spoke again her voice was hushed. “You’re blind.”

“As justice, duchess. I smell you’ve had some work done.” I licked a teal swipe down her metal cheek. I can sense a whole lot with this nose, but getting into their space keeps the clients uncertain, and in this business a little uncertainty can go a long way. Also I enjoy messing with people. Close up, her eyes were big red ovals. _Delicious_. “How’s a doll like you tangled up in Serket’s web?”

She’d toughened up some since we were wigglers though, because she barely flinched. Just sunk down into my ratty chair like it was her long lost moirail and it was Feelings Jam Day.

“So you know all about Vris-the Marquise. Who she is now. And what she’s capable of.”

I nodded. Serket and me go back. Way back. Time was when we used to be partners. Hell, sisters even. Then she got a sweet kid to take a long jump off a short pier. I taught her a lesson in practical ambidexterity and she gave me a lesson in shutting up. It didn’t take. Now she’s into piracy. Boats, not webs. It’s a bad business.  
The bot looked up. “It’s my moirail, Jade Harley. You might have heard of her from the papers?” 

“Natch” Harley’s big into telescoping weaponry. Rifles that can shrink down to the size of your hand, lugers the size of a dragonmom. Heavy stuff.

Aradia continued. “Serket’s been after her for perigees, but she’s always refused. But this morning I went to her apartment and--it was horrible. Some gunsels had trashed the whole joint, and on the wall was --this!” She pulled out a card. Printed is Serket’s sign, a blue sun with eight rays. What I was more interested in was the low level white crackle of majyyk. Like I said, a bad business. “One of my colleagues said that you helped when her auspitice went down to the sticks and I thought that you were my only hope”

I placed the card down on the table and got up in a silver second. I put my cane against her pipes. It’s good to keep your clients uncertain. “A pretty story, Megido! Pity I don’t buy it. Your story’s got more holes in it than a delicious cotton candy puff! You didn’t realize it would be me? Terezi’s not that common of a name. And Serket’s been courting your ‘rail for months? The Marquise doesn’t do subtle.” The bot made to protest and I jabbed her in the chest. “What’s your real game, Aradia?” 

“Very well,” says she, and quicker than greased grubpie she shoved her hand into her chest and ripped out a chip. I was rattled, but I drawled “Nice armwork, dollface”, as she threw it on the desk. A consort. You see it all over town, droids who want to be a flighty broad or a cocky fedora. She'd chosen the 'SPUNKY DAME' version. Explained the 'gunsels'. Vaguely 40s lingo tends to be my turf.

When she spoke again her voice was more hollow than a boonbank on tax day.

“The failure of this venture was basically inevitable, I suppose,” she flats. “Still it was preferable to make every attempt to shield you from compromising data.”

“You cannot hope to keep a secret from Redglare Pyrope! I am simply--” it was at this juncture that I was interrupted by the ‘phone. I picked it up to greet the dulcet tones of my favorite secretary.

“Client coming up tz.”

“The client has already come, coolkid!”

“Didn’t know that you were into that kind of thing.”

“I am going to ignore your strange and probably salacious remark because I have hotter irons in the fire! Ms. Megido is involved with forces that have rocked Party Town since its inception. I have a sworn duty to get to the bottom of this affair and rip out the festering wound that is destroying this city.”

“Sure, so should I tell Nepeta your rp session is off or”

“Tell her that justice is being delivered! And that I’ll see her Saturnight.” 

I slammed down the phone. I got a good sniff at my guest, but there was nothing new there but that long streak of silver and the puncture wound on her thorax.  “Now Ms. Megido! We can do this the hard way, or”  
  
“Okay”  
  
“We can do- wait, what?”   
  
There was a low rumble that could be a sigh. “Jade received a commission a few perigees ago. Nothing major. After that we received periodic requests from the same buyer, requests that we would later discover to be coming from Serket. Jade is really gone. That’s the plain and simple truth.”   
  
“The truth is rarely plain and never simple!” I said, and grinned unkindly. “But why the deception?”   
  
“You knew me as a wriggler. I was different then. Many who knew me from those days are shocked about my change in personality and I did not want to alarm you." 

I leaned forward. “Aradia… you are _a goddamn robot._ ”

She looked at me with those big candy red peepers. She said nothing, and she said it loud.

“I will take the case! On one condition.” I paused for effect. “When I find your moirail, I get one of your eyes.”

“Wow uh”

“This is mandatory! Do we have a deal?”

“Sure,” she said, and slid out of my life the way she came in, in a haze of mystery and gas fumes.

I went to the window, and stared keenly out into the night. Aradia Megido was a puzzle wrapped in an enigma wrapped into a silver casing that I couldn't think of a suitable food related metaphor for. I thought about the girl that I knew a long time ago. Cute. Tough. Used to laugh off all my attempts to get under her hide. Her hide seemed impervious this time, but I wasn't laughing.  And if she was involved with Serket...

Hanging over my lintel is a framed picture of my favorite human detective. Batman. A true inspiration. "I've been putting this off long enough", I said to him, and went to lay down some justice.

**Author's Note:**

> If you're saying to yourself, 'this sounds a lot like it was dredged up from someone's immediately post-cascade google docs', this is because that's exactly what happened. Please enjoy this vintage Dave Terezi interaction from back when it seemed that Dave could possibly have a career that involved talking to people. Will update when I remember what I was going on about back then.


End file.
